The BDE

So one of the first connections after the revamped profile and pic was Mr Kink on Tinder. More on him later. We actually started chatting and laughing about my rather forward profile “I really just want a pash”. I gave him a brief rundown on my poor online dating form and he was all, get on OK Cupid (OKC).

And so I did.

For those in the game it is like a cross between RSVP (a hideous land of ebay for humans) and Tinder (great fun when drunk). The profile questions are good and its much easier to “chat”.

Enter Mr BDE, a 25 (TWENTY FIVE) year old uni student. Apparently studying law but by the end of the night I believed none of it. We started chatting with me basically saying I was technically old enough to be his mother but he was all, I like older women.

Rookie mistake.

So we got chatting through the normal stuff, what do you do, where do you live and into the more heated stuff. This was all SURREAL. I’d gone from basically no online dating success to a 25 year old telling me what he’d do to me.

But I will say, it felt a bit stilted, almost like we were doing an inventory. Alarm Bell #1.

Anyway, it all moved very quickly in that I had a window of opportunity the following night to basically sneak out to do the dirty with a complete stranger without anyone knowing.

I shaved the lady garden in preparation. I shall never look upon my son’s electric shaver the same way.

I turned up at his place, fairly convinced I was going to vomit I was so nervous.

He opened the door. He didn’t really look like his photo. His hair was completely different and he was, doughy. AB#2

The next thing I notice is that the movie Superbad is playing on.full.volume. on the tele. I can’t even think straight let alone really hear him (a mumbler and soft talker AB#3) and ask if we can turn it down. NO! The neighbours can hear everything! So apprently this is going to play out to McLovin, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill freaking out at period blood on his pants. ALARM BELL #4.

Things get a bit heated, I straddle him, he realises I’m not wearing undies which is apparently ‘hot’. I’d basically taken them off in the car because I only own bonds hipsters. Not sexy.

The kissing is not great, he’s just really… soft. Like not man skin. Baby skin and lips. It was a bit unnerving.

I pull his cock out of his pants and people, it wasn’t just curved, it was bent. Like at a right angle. I seriously thought how the fuck is that going to go in. I was imagining I’d have to do a reverse park onto it.

Anyway, somehow we’re on a TOWEL on the floor (Seriously, I’m 43, give me a bed.) he flounders with a condom (ALARM BELL #542) and then we’re at it. Just like that.

Listen, it was two years since I’d had sex with an animate being so there was a part of me going “HOLY FUCK, there’s a dick in me” but that quickly gave way to “Wait, what, where are you going?” He’d cum. After about 10 thrusts.

He was all, I just need to go and clean this up. Mr Romantic.

Then we had to shower. ALARM BELLS ALARM BELLS ALARM BELLS

Then he asked if we could do anal. Now now, don’t freak out, we had talked about it and yes, I am one of *those* women who enjoy it. But you know, he asked. This was not panning out to be the spontaneous hot romp I had envisaged.

Anyway, he gets his dick in but has no idea what he’s doing and it hurts like hell. Then he goes soft.

I do the man push, trying to get him to go down on me but he urges another shower. What the what?

Don’t forget this is all to the soundtrack of Superbad.

I stand up and say, actually, I think I’ll just go.

I get dressed, say, well, that was weird and leave.

5o minutes.

I spend longer in the car in uproarious laughter on the phone with some of the posse than I did with him.

But I’ve done it. The cherry has been popped. Sure it wasn’t glamorous or even enjoyable but I feel a huge surge of adrenalin that I can do this.

So thanks Banana Dick Ejaculator, I hope you enjoyed the end of Superbad.

mtc

RD